Well, like many of you, I read the interview of Scott Somerville over at the TOSPUBLISHER page. I found it was very iteresting and had some bits of knowledge I can learn from. As I was reading it, I began to think of my family and my involvement in it . Not just the homeschooling area, thogh that was a big part of my thoughts, but who I am and why I parent the way I do. I thought I would take a little time exploring this here so maybe some of you could comment, and I can learn things I may need to at this point in my parenting.
First, let me say something about myself. I am 36, and married for nearly 15 years to my beautiful Andrea. We have four children, Nathan, Jordan, Allyson, and Kathryn. I love and adore my wife and family, and am typically an affectionate person. This is where I have to dig deeper and expose myself for the sake of learning.
I am one of those early GenX'ers. I came from a good family, but I think it is important to note that. This isn't a blog to bash my parents, or how I was raised, but one to look at how I can grow from where I am. There were some things in my life that I wish weren't there, but for the most part, I am a product of society in certain areas. I grew up in a home where I was given much freedom. The Gospel was put aside in our house when I was about ten. I was allowed to ride and hang out anywhere I wanted. I came home to check in, not to communicate.
Communication wasn't one of the strong points in my house growing up. From time to time we would talk, or joke, but we weren't deep. This was a rough area for me as I am a deep person who loves intamacy. Our house was a home where we showered and watched tv. We rarely ate dinner together after I was about ten. We would watch some tv together, but mostly, we would take turns watching whatever.
This might be how many of us were raised. GenX'ers raised from Boomer Me people. As I investigate myself, though, I find this is where a plug was pulled in my plugged in society. My wife will tell you I am a caring man. I am. I just can't get past the surface in certain areas though. I look at some of the fathers here and realize I am not doing all I can in the home. Though I am very outward in my focus, I find myself at a loss where home is concerned. I find this funny. I sell industrial gases, I am a youth pastor, and a chaplain in Boy Scouts.
I talk like crazy. I do talk a lot in the home, but I just don't seem to be that father I should be. I notice lately that I spit out that which has been put into me over the years. I will often entertain my kids and others. I was influenced by that whch I watched. I will either regurgitate a comedy bit from someone else, or adapt one of my own to get a laugh. This is rough for as I have much deeper inside myself that I don' know how to bring out in the home.
This is where I get into it. In the home I regurgitate rules and conformity. "You must behave like this", "you should know already how to act", these are how I was parented. I noticed this a few weeks ago when I was trying to show my oldest "why" I felt the way I did about something. "Do you understand?"
"Yeah, you don't want me to watch that movie."
This told me a lot about where I am missing the mark. I want to teach my kids to have convictions, but istead I teach them robotics. Move this way, act that way. This is where I read other men and their experiences, and I see myself missing it in the home, and possibly the ministry. This is where I look to you for help. I want to see my kids going deeper than te surface. I want them to know why they are who they are. I want them to see deeper. I want them to understand what the Father loves and hates so they might desire to please Him. I feel I have not put that in them to this point. I feel as though I put a lot of "if, then" rules into them, and taught them memorization of behavior regulations, not a passion to live a righteous life.
Any input would be very helpful.
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3 comments:
Thanks for stopping by my blog, and thanks also for being so transparent here. That's really good, especially for someone with a blog.
I went ahead and posted a reply on my own blog because I didn't want to crowd any other answers. Hope this helps and my prayers are with you as you look to improve along with me.
First of all thanks for asking me to take a look. Tell ya the truth I read it when it was posted. Have given it some thought. I am sure that my points will not be as well laid out as some but here goes. My life in summary has been very similar to yours. I was a blast in blast out kid. Now my mother had MS from the time I was about 9. It tore our family apart. There was no God in our home, no center in a time of need. Church is where we went for a funeral. I knew He was there though. That’s another story. But now fast forward to 36, I’m married, 14 years, and an at home dad!, a father to a wonderful, complex young man with a heart for God.
I wanted you to know one thing too, not to be over burdened by doing what’s right in mans eye, it’s what is right in God’s eyes. As men we have a hard time having a “melt down with God”, by letting it all hang out. I have only had a few of those “screaming at God” times where I wanted to know why, how, most of all, and then the reality of Grace. Grace for a man who was the last who should receive a gift of salvation. I have spent countless hours praying over and for my wife and son. Nights that I have sat by his bed in prayer, for his future wife, his children, what will he do, who will he be in this world, not in worry, just in wonder and awe at how God does it, through us. I am only blessed with one child so my experience is limited. I will be cautious not to boast, because just today I had to confess to Jr. that lately I haven’t been receptive when he has tried to talk w/ me or share with me. But for me I think one of the ways that I continue to work on my relationship with my son is to slow it down. To make time for him and take time to really listen. Now that may seem silly, but with all that goes on in a normal day of household stuff, well it is no small task. I have tried to explain to him that for me to be a good listener I have to have time for myself too. I think he understands that. Mercy – mercy is another thing that I have tried to show. I don’t remember who said it or where I heard it but, I’m thankful that the spirit reminds me from time to time that my son sees me similar to his heavenly father. That is not a literal comparison. Now it’s fine line between mercy and just plain slack. I continue to work on talking, finding a talking place that is comfortable for him and me. Right now it has been in the Y locker room, kayaking and driving in the jeep. We have talked about very difficult subjects this way and I have also learned of some things. One of the things that I can’t seem to master is, like most, seeing what I don’t like in me, showing up in my son. Yet, sometime God shows mercy on me and lets me see what I hope to be the core of his character. Prayer with him and with us as a family has always been hard for me. For me one of the hardest things right now is to help him to grow in his faith and to grow in his relationship with Christ.
Now my response may not be helpful – I truly hope that it is – from where I sit at 1:37 am (EST), I can say that the Lord knows our hearts and our desire to be Christ like and to be like Him to our children and our wives. We fall short everyday. But, we get up, brush off the evil one and try again. My books are packed up at the moment becuase we are working on the office to make it a school room but try looking up the book "Fathering like the Father" by Gangel - it was a good book.
Always Learning, Always TeachingDad
I don't have any overarching answers, RC, but here's a question. Do you have times with God that change the way you think? If you do, does that change the way you talk?
I've noticed that when I get something fresh from God, it bubbles up all day long. It's on my mind, and it's what I talk about. ("Out of the heart the mouth speaks," as Jesus observed.)
A lot of us dads are so busy we short-change our times with God. For years I would get up and out the door and then pray as I drove to work. That was a good effort, but it meant I was always telling God what was on my mind, without giving Him much of an opportunity to CHANGE what was on my mind. When I finally made time to dig into the Word BEFORE I got in the car, my whole devotional experience was different.
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